BACKGROUND
I
was born and brought up in Dar – es – salaam, Tanzania, (East Africa) in a
well to do middle class family. My parents were not especially religious, but
they were very hard working and had faith in God. They believed in a good
education for their children and had very high expectations of us. I was the
second of four children, and had been always encouraged to aim high, work hard
for my goals and realise my ‘potential’, in every way. As a child, I
remember, I wanted to join the School of Performing Arts to become a
professional singer but was immediately discouraged by my worried parents who
wanted me to choose a more ‘respectable’ career.
My
years in school and University were marked by several academic and musical
successes. After completing my O Levels, I went to India for further studies.
Along with a degree in Management, I managed to pursue my love for singing by
undertaking some formal training in Hindustani classical vocals.
I
met my husband Vic in Bombay; we were married and moved to London in 1976. This
was the beginning of a new era in our lives. We found ourselves a little flat in
Finchley, and began looking for our first jobs in the UK. Although I was looking
for a business management job, the jobs for new inexperienced graduates were
very scarce. Therefore, when British Telecom (BT), then the largest
Telecommunications Company in the UK offered me an administrative job, I
accepted it immediately.
The
following years were marked by many new experiences and opportunities for growth
at all levels. I had many goals and ambitions in my life, not the least of which
was to be recognised as being bright, intelligent, hardworking and multi-
skilled! I gradually worked my way up the grades in BT through a variety of
departments and jobs. I found that I had an aptitude for accounts and finance,
so when BT offered me a scholarship for Certified Accountancy, I took it on and
completed my course in four years. Over the years, my singing too developed from
a hobby into a part time profession. I formed a band and used to perform all
over the UK & Europe on the weekends, which gave me a real buzz.
Our
long awaited child, a boy, was born in 1983 and we felt our happiness was
complete. Although I took a year off to look after him, I had to leave him with
my mum & returned to work. We moved to a big new house the following year.
My life was wonderful, and I felt blessed. In those few years, the personal and
professional growth was so rapid that by the end of this period, I felt I was
close to accomplishing much of what I desired.
I
was gaining rapid promotions at work and was soon heading a team of 190 people.
I loved my work in BT & my singing Career was soaring too.
I had just completed my fourth Album. However, instead of feeling happy,
I felt as if there was a vacuum in my life. I felt empty inside. All my
accomplishments had failed to provide me with satisfaction or a feeling of
completeness. I realised that happiness was not a function of accomplishments
and material wealth. There was a yearning in me for understanding the meaning of
life and gaining peace. I was desperately seeking something that would expand my
being, my consciousness, but I did not know how to go about it or whom to ask
for help.
It
was March 1995 & I had just returned from a successful concert tour from
Delhi, India. My work in- tray was a mile high and I found myself working long
hours in order to catch up. It was
on a Thursday afternoon, about a week later, when I was busily working away on
my PC, when I suddenly felt dizzy, the words on the computer screen blurred, and
I collapsed on the floor. I was rushed into hospital and after various tests, it
was discovered that I had severe Glaucoma in both eyes (normally only found in
over 40s), and that the Ocular muscles had gone into spasm, causing temporary
blindness. The consultant started the treatment immediately and advised me to
stay off work until they could assess how bad the damage was. I was in shock and
unable to fully comprehend what was going on. It was only when my GP talked to
me a couple of days later, did the seriousness of the situation sink in.
The
next three weeks were simply horrendous. Along with other medications, I was put
on a long course of steroids, which caused many unpleasant side effects. My
husband took time off work to look after me, as I was unable to do any thing
without help and felt dizzy and disorientated. I had to cancel all my shows for
the next few weeks & stay indoors as my vision was still blurred. I was
feeling miserable & depressed, worried about going blind, worried about
work, the cancelled shows etc. etc. At times, I felt angry at the
‘unfairness’ of it all. I hated being stuck in the house. I was not allowed
to read, watch TV, cook, clean or do anything that could worsen the eyes. I
could only listen to music or radio to pass time.
I
felt trapped within the four walls of the house. I desperately missed my work,
singing, performing, and most of all the social interaction with others. Further
tests revealed that Glaucoma had started five years ago but because it was not
caught early (there were no symptoms); and because of the constant use of
computers, my eyes had suffered irreversible damage and my visual fields had
deteriorated by 42%. I was advised to give up work immediately if I wished to
prevent further damage to my eyes. Also
stage & camera lights had to be avoided which meant that singing and
performing too were out!
My
life had to change! I valued my work, singing, the recognition, the network of
colleagues and of course the financial independence. I was afraid that if I gave
this all up, I would be lost. However, I knew that things had to change for the
sake of my health.
BT
gave me a ‘retirement’ package on medical grounds. My life changed
overnight! In six months, I had gone from a successful high flier working twelve
hours a day to a medical ‘pensioner’ unable to do even basic chores unaided!
I felt angry and out of control, as if my life was over. The financial security,
the status, the fame, the power and the recognition from the world outside were
things I was dependent on for my self-image. Like most people, I allowed my self
– worth to be determined by what others thought of me.
I
was sad and miserable. I did not want to meet or talk to anyone, not even my
closest friends and family. Most of all, I did not want anyone’s ‘pity’ or
‘understanding’! My doctor put me on a course of anti depressants to help me
cope.
Although
I pretended to be okay in front of my family, I was still hurting badly inside.
If it were not for the love and support of Vic and Rishil, I would have either
gone mad or committed suicide. I really felt that my life was over, and I was
not yet 40! There arose a deep yearning in me to gain peace and for
understanding the meaning of life. But, I did not know how to go about it or
where to find it.
Over
the next few months, my vision gradually improved and I started to do the
routine and everyday things. I began to meet friends and family; and tried to
fill my time with some voluntary work, but it was not satisfying. In retrospect,
it is clear to me that this intense emotional upheaval was the pain one
experiences in letting go of the old and embracing the new.
The
days passed by. Then one day, a friend came to visit and brought me some books
to read. One of the books was a book on Sathya Sai Baba called ‘THE
YUGAVTAARA’. As soon as I saw Baba’s picture on the book cover, I
recognised him as the ‘Guru’ with the Afro hairstyle who visited East
Africa when I was a little girl. The local newspaper had published His
photograph and my mother remembers me being absolutely fascinated by it.
I begged my parents to take me to see him but they refused my pleas. I
remember sleeping with His picture under my pillow for days afterwards!
Anyway,
I read this book and the impact it had on me can only be described as a Sai
miracle. I felt an instant connection to Him. I experienced a sense of
homecoming and an emotional out pouring of tears that left no doubt in my mind
that He was my Father and I was His child.
His
Universal Principles and Teachings really made sense to me. In addition, in that
book, Baba says that He would come to us if we ‘called’ him with true love
and sincerity, but that we need to take the first step. So, I sat in my bed,
tears streaming down my face, and prayed to him to help me to live a fulfilling
and happy life again. When I awoke next morning, I felt relaxed and happy. I
just ‘knew’ that Baba had accepted my prayers and was ALWAYS going to be by
my side, no matter what.
I
tried to gather as much information about Him and His Teachings. I joined a
local Sai Centre and took part in Bhajans & other activities. In the inner
realms of my heart, I began to accept Baba as my teacher, Guru and Father. I had
no idea what this would mean, but I was willing to learn. I prayed to him for
guidance.
Gradually,
a change began to come over me. It was as if, without my knowing, a force was
pushing me to re-evaluate my goals and reconsider my priorities. Once we come to
Baba, he prompts us to see our desires and conflicts clearly and
uncompromisingly. I had to confront myself, as I had never done before. Here I
was, prompted to drop all my old values and beliefs and discover my self worth
from within!
The
emphasis shifted from developing skills and abilities in the corporate and
material world to understanding my own self, my qualities, motivation and
purpose in life. I began to realise that unless I was willing to let go of my
earlier goals and priorities, there was no way of realising new ones. I
discovered things about myself that I did not know even existed.
Baba’s
Teachings began to provide the basis of understanding and integrating the human
values into my life. I was more willing to recognise and act according to my own
innate nature. The biggest change for me was when I gave up eating meat,
especially as I practically lived on it!
The
more I learnt and heard about Baba, the more desperate I was to ‘see’ Him.
After a lot of deliberation and discussion, my husband booked my seat to visit
him in Bangalore in March 1998. Meanwhile
my consultant called me to agree a date for an operation on my eyes, as the
recent tests indicated worsening of the state of my eyes. The operation was
booked to take place one week after my return from India.
I
reached Bangalore on the Ram Navami morning, in time for the first Darshan.
Although Brindavan was busy because of the festival, I managed to get a good
line for Darshan. Suddenly the music started and there was Baba. My first sight
of Baba left me in complete Bliss! I had wonderful ‘Darshans’ every day, but
not once did He come near me! Then on the last day, He came straight to where I
was, looked into my eyes for what seemed like ages, and blessed me with his
hands. I felt as if I was in a trance.
After
returning from India, I began preparations for my operation. Although my visit
to Baba seemed to have had no perceptible effects on the surface, in reality
everything had changed. The changes were subtle but very profound!
On
the day of the operation, the consultant ran some pre – op tests. Soon
afterwards, he rushed into my room, waving the test results. It seemed that my
eyes had stabilised so much that the operation was now not necessary!
According to him, in all his experience as a surgeon, this had never
happened; and he thought he had created medical history! He gathered his
colleagues and other doctors to discuss this ‘miracle’. I just smiled at him
because I knew what had happened. I returned home that afternoon feeling even
more Love and Gratitude for my Baba.
Then
one day, Baba came in my dreams and told me to ‘ LEARN! TEACH!’
I was baffled, as I did not know what he meant. What should I learn and what
should I teach? I continued to ask him for guidance.
I
carried on reading His Discourses, teachings and other spiritual texts to gain
an understanding of the universal principles and how to integrate them into my
daily life. I began to participate in various Sai activities. I became the SSEHV
Co-ordinator and helped with Bhajan Training at the Centre. Without even being
aware, my life direction had changed enormously. I experienced the sweetness of
doing selfless service, which I had never had before.
Baba
is the best thing in my life and I feel blessed to be part of his family. I am
immensely grateful that Baba had given me the courage to let go of the old ways
of being and to reach out for new ones. Although I still have a long way to go
to be worthy of my Baba, I am trying my best to follow his teachings and become
a better person. Just as a new sapling needs protection until it is strong
enough to protect itself, a person new to the spiritual path needs to be
watchful of the many distractions in everyday life and to focus on the essential
pursuit of reality.
Work
is still an integral part of my life. Sai activities fill my day, but with a
difference. I work not to earn money, but because it is my joy and privilege to
do so. I delight in the people I meet, and am grateful for what they teach me.
Never has work been so fulfilling as now. I feel blessed that I have an
opportunity to use whatever little talent and skills I may to serve in whichever
way I can.
With
Baba by my side, I feel so confident and positive in myself that I do not feel
worried or anxious about things, whereas before everything was a ‘drama’! How
great it feels to let go! How energising! And the more I practice the art of
letting go of all negativity, the better able I become to devote my thoughts,
time and energy to the higher values and principles, living joyfully in the
present, whatever and wherever I am. The ambitions I have for myself now
are: am I consistent in thought, word and deed? Am I true to my higher self? Am
I willing to be aware of my expectations and desires and let go of them?
By
choosing to let go of the past, and surrendering to our Lord, we can sweep out
all the ashes that weigh us down and subtly affect every aspect of our health,
life, relationships and our peace of mind.